Diaper Advice

At the baby shower in Kaysville my friends and family wrote parenting advice on diapers and I loved it! As I used the diapers I made sure to copy the advice from the diaper to a notepad so that I could remember the advice forever:

->Don't let Levi change diapers. Don't let baby eat this. -Sadie

->Take time for yourself in order to preserve who you are. Giving of yourself is noble and necessary but it can become a detriment.

->Start family night early in your child's life. Have it every week no matter what.

->Pray, pray, pray! Heavenly Father is a pro parent and will help you with anything and everything.
     -Hannah

->Encourage their out-of-school activities as much as their schooling!

->Hold your little one as much as possible. Dishes and laundry can wait. He will grow so fast and you will always cherish the times you did.

->When all else fails lower your expectations.

->Back rubs cure everything. -Krystina

->Change their diaper, give him love.

->Just love, kiss, and hug them and pray they do just what you always want them to do and don't think they should be perfect, because they won't be!!! -Grandma Sandall

->Sing primary songs to him every night before he goes to sleep.

->Um I've not been a mom...but enjoy every minute. -Alisha

->Time goes too fast enjoy every minute!!!

->2 things: 1 Soak in every moment! (pun intended) just give lots and lots of hugs and kisses 2 Make sure you have a nose frida or some kind of booger sucker! (Not the bulb ones. Those are terrible!!)
 - Hannah

->Just remember "love is spelled T-I-M-E!"

->Give lots of hugs! xoxo

->Ask me (Courtney) to babysit whenever you want! (and when I'm in Rexburg)

->Soak up every moment, they grow up way too fast!

->Rock your baby to sleep and read to them.

I Can Relate

Here is my tribute to the classic 9 months in versus 9 months out, or in my case 39 weeks and 4 days:

I could let you examine both pictures to death and let them speak a thousand words, but there is something these pictures can't tell you. First let's look at the obvious. My world with and without a baby. Two very very different things. Back then you'll notice how dolled up I was, the classic 'bump' dress, hair do, and even a necklace! Wait, what's a necklace again? By the way hallelujah my hair has grown out, am I right? In the here and now pic you will notice that I am in exercise clothes, while the 9 month old is in his pajamas brushing his teeth. I love this picture. It is real, it tells my story. 

We had just gotten home from playing pickleball. Thank goodness for that too, because it gave me a reason to finally get dressed and out of the house. Then after playing I frantically ran to the store to buy eggs for dinner; something I had just about the whole day to do. Yes it was a breakfast dinner. No shame. While at the store, my mind is back. I had my pickleball-outside-having-fun high, and then "it" came crashing down on me again. All the while Levi is at home getting baby ready for bed. 

After 9 months of having a child, I thought I had passed the window of getting postpartum depression/anxiety (PPD/A). However, for the last couple of weeks I have felt numb. My case is a lot more minor than what I have read and heard about, because my numbness is only every so often, and doesn't stick around for days at a time, usually not even hours at a time.

It wasn't until I had expressed my feelings to Levi that I started wondering if I had PPD/A. Sunday morning Levi told me he watched the new Mormon Message (watch that here if you haven't seen it, it's amazing and well worth the time: https://www.lds.org/mentalhealth?lang=eng) by Elder Holland about mental illnesses. I had seen this a few months ago when it first came out and told Levi to watch it, but he didn't think about it until Sunday morning. Then in Relief Society something strange happens. Aubry says, "There will be a special speaker today," and proceeds to introduce a brother from our ward. I am very curious and excited to see what he has to say. He starts out by saying that he is no expert on mental illness, but that he is a survivor. He has experience. He can relate! After this quick self intro, he shows the Mormon Message by Elder Holland about mental illness. I start to watch it, trying to keep baby in my lap and continually grabbing the toy he is dropping on the floor. 

Their words start to hit me hard. 

This is exactly how I have been feeling! Then it hits me even further, no denying it. I have postpartum depression. No doctor has confirmed this, but I feel deep down that it's true. There is a peace and a joy that immediately follows this realization; I am not crazy! There is an explanation for why I don't feel much. There is a name for it! There are survivors, there are people who can relate to me, and people to whom I can relate! I am near tears but quickly brought back to reality as my baby starts to get really loud and distracting. So I take him out. This was the hardest part for me, not being able to hear the rest of the lesson that is clearly just for me. But I leave and take that peace and joy with me, holding on for dear life. 

Levi and I get in the car to go home and I immediately tell him my newfound discovery. He says, "I have been thinking the same thing." And all I can do is be happy. Simply, and perfectly happy. He responded perfectly, and now I feel like I can understand my husband and what he has gone through. Up until now I only had compassion on those who have experienced depression and anxiety, but now I can relate. I have experienced it. No matter how minor it is, I have experienced the feelings described in the video, described by my husband, by my family members, my friends, those I taught on my mission. Finally, I get it!

This moment of complete happiness is short-lived. I am forced back into my reality and the pressure to deal with my discovery hits me along with a long list of questions. How long will this last? What am I supposed to do? Will this happen every time I have a baby? Why is it happening so late? I turn to my sisters for answers. They know everything. (; They say a lot, but most importantly they give me hope. That glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. That knowledge that all will be well. I am so lucky I have them to turn to in this time of need. 

This picture means a lot to me and it probably does to you, now that I have shared my story. I could have taken this picture anytime during that day. I could have gotten dolled up, put on the same 'bump' dress, fixed my greasy pickleball-playing hair, you can forget about that necklace though. Instead, as I am making dinner and feeling depressed about life and my house and the meal I am preparing because they all "aren't good enough," I remember that we have to take that picture! So I rush into the room while Levi is getting baby ready for bed and ask him to take my picture with baby because tomorrow it will be too late. It has to be 39 weeks and 4 days on the dot. By the way since I procrastinated, it happened to be snapped right about the same exact time our baby was born...timing couldn't have been more perfect. 

I am making my way to a better me, slowly but surely. Some days it's easier, and others I am an absolute mess. But I try! I do what I can because I love Levi, I love my baby, and I love myself. Each day is a new day. Try harder to be a little better because the little things are the big things in disguise. Although it was therapeutic to write this, I hope it has helped someone else trying to survive through PPD/A. The first step is admitting it to yourself, the second is sharing your story, trust me it helps! So here is the second step to becoming a better, and more whole, me. Hopefully step three will come quick. Wish me luck!

Lion's Mouth Cave

So this happened a long time ago , but I hadn't documented it yet..oops.

We didn't even try to get him to smile. He just saw himself in the selfie screen and was overcome with joy causing a precious little grin. 

March 24, 2016

Levi and I were about to drive to Kaysville again but we wanted to explore our new city before doing so. We had been researching a lot of places to go and this was the closest place and easiest hike with a baby and no carrier. The wind was CRAZY but our 4 month old loved every freezing minute of it. Let's be real, we all loved it. Being outside and exploring the beautiful things God has given us is amazing--not to mention historical explorations are just as beautiful and amazing! Enjoy some pictures of our fun, quick adventure!

Our cutie pie falling asleep in the car on the way to the hike. He is adorable.

These were so sweet! There was a whole wall--er mountain--of them. Gorgeous.

The 4 month old was too busy trying to figure out what daddy was doing in this picture. Look at his cold nose and lips. My goodness he needs smooched!

Where's Levi?

Cold nose...I felt so bad for him but he just LOVED it.

There he is climbing away...that little exploring nut.

Here we are watching him. (Also slight proof that his left eye is darker than his right)

My goober buddy...

and his goober mom.

You Remain My Number One

As I lay in bed snuggled up next to my husband, I could feel his breath against my neck, and his chest rising and falling against my body. My mind raced to my baby and how I love to feel his belly rise and fall against my own. I started to think about how much time I spend with him and how little time I spend with my husband. Then it dawned on me, "What do I need to do to keep Levi my priority, my number one, and not let my baby creep up into first place? After all, since I spend more time with him and get to do fun things with him throughout the day like going on a walking trail, going to the park, playing games, etc. what can I do to maintain my relationship with Levi and make it better than the one with my beautiful son?" Then almost all at once all 10 of these ideas popped into my mind and I felt the urge to write each one down. I share them here to be accountable to God and my husband, and to help anyone who may need it by sharing a few inspiring ideas that can turn our focus back to our husbands rather than putting all our efforts into our little buddies.

1. Invest more of my time into him--be more diligent with making dates happen (get a babysitter planned sooner), give him all of my attention during meals, make a greater effort to do what he enjoys or wants to do, etc.

2. Snuggle more often--we love to cuddle, but sometimes I am "too busy" taking care of the baby.

3. Let him hug or kiss me more--there are so many times where he tries to come love on me while I am doing something "important" like making dinner or changing baby's diaper and I quickly give him what he wants and proceed to be busy. Really? I can't give him just one minute of my love?

4. Get off my technology and truly listen--I have found myself doing my own pet peeve, looking at my phone while someone is talking to me. This needs to change. He deserves more than that.

5. Find more ways to say "I love you"--we say those words so often, but we all know the saying, "actions speak louder than words." He does such a good job at making me feel loved through what he does, now it's my turn to step up to the plate.

6. Watch him play with our child--when I hand the baby over to him, I usually take that as an excuse to have a break and I go do something else, then I get frustrated when he wants me to constantly watch him make baby laugh. Again, I need to slow down and let his joy be my joy and enjoy these precious moments of my husband and son laughing together.

7. Inquire about his life--maybe it's because I know that he's been at work - just like every other day- that I don't think to ask him how he is doing, but that doesn't keep him from asking me about my day and how it went. This simple act of sincerely asking, "how are you doing today?" can go a really long way and show him I truly care about him and what's going on in his life.

8. Stop complaining--I absolutely dislike that he is gone from me so much of the day and that we were sealed together, bound by a promise made with God, only to have him leave me everyday so as to provide for our family and more fully protect us from the world. Rather than complain about that, I need to support him and be grateful for what he does for us. After all, it's a sacrifice for him too.

9. Let him take a break--by the time he gets home I am usually worn out from taking care of a child, and I just need a break. The tricky part is, if Levi comes home and takes care of baby the rest of the night, then he doesn't really get a break. I am committed to helping him feel relaxed after work, while staying sane myself, of course.

10. Become a daughter of God--as I stay close to God His spirit will be able to be with me more and guide me to know what to do. As I learn of my potential and my divine nature I will become the daughter He needs, the wife Levi needs, and the mother my child needs. In that order. As God is my priority all other priorities fall into place.

There you have it, my newfound commitment to my Heavenly Father and family. If you made it this far I encourage you to take the time to make your own list. How can you more fully portray yourself as a child of God? What changes may be necessary in your life? Who can you serve? What needs some refocusing in your life? I know that I will be happier as I lose myself in serving others, and that God will sanctify my efforts.

The Legacy of the Ring

It was always a wishful dream to get an heirloom ring from my future husband, but that dream came true and many more dreams I didn't even know I had came attached with this beautiful piece of jewelry. How blessed I feel to have such a big story behind a ring that makes me want to be a better person and keep the legacy of this ring ever bright and full of life!

We enjoyed a fabulous weekend with family to see my sister-in-law, Emma, preform as the lead character Winifred in the play Once Upon A Mattress. She was tremendous and the play was hilarious! Not only did Levi and I both get to attend (with baby of course -- hooray for his first play!) but Poppie came, too! This was special because on Saturday we got to sort of celebrate Nonnie and Poppies anniversary with him. Their wedding anniversary is the biggest celebratory event since Nonnie passed away, and it was great to surround him with love on that day.

Poppie told us his version of how he and Nonnie met:
He was at a post office to send a letter to his girlfriend back home. Nonnie was working there and asked him if he knew anything about the Mormons and if he would like to know more. Poppie was always intrigued with theology and was curious to find out more, so Nonnie extended the invite to church and to a fireside. Then, as the saying goes, "The rest is history."

What a devout woman of faith and courage! 

On Sunday, we were graced with a talk by Gabby (her very first one in sacrament meeting) and she taught a lesson that Nonnie had taught in an FHE on choice and accountability:
Instead of asking ourselves, "What should I do?" we should ask, "What will this lead to?" She gave the example of how we can come home after a very long and tiring day and be tempted not to read our scriptures. If we simply ask, "What will this lead to," we will know that skipping one day isn't too terrible that it may lead to skipping the next night and then the next night.

I admire Nonnie for that advice and inspiring counsel.

The next few speakers talked about wonderful, enlightening things such as giving God our complete trust, but one piece of a story seemed to really catch my attention:
His sister gave him the counsel to smile and say hi to everyone at school and to especially seek out those who were alone. He then proceeded to say that this ended up saving a buddy from taking his own life.

This example lead me to think of Nonnie and the story I heard at her funeral about how she couldn't see very well and so she would just make sure to smile and say hi to everyone so she wouldn't miss saying hi to one of her friends. She always found a way of making others feel loved.

Nonnie was always brave and full of joy. From what I understand she was in a whole lot of pain for the last 20-30 years of her life and she never stopped smiling and laughing and causing others to do the same. Not to mention the fact that she was always looking for reasons to share the gospel with others (most of whom were doctors or nurses.) She is a hero in many many aspects of her life.

I was proud to wear her ring because of the legendary woman I had heard she was (through Steph) before I even met Levi or Nonnie, and I am proud to wear it now for the woman it makes me want to become. How grateful I am to have the reminder from my gorgeous ring of such a strong woman in such a frail body. How grateful I am that this ring reminds me not only of her and her life well-lived, but of the covenants Levi and I made as we were sealed together for time and all eternity as husband and wife. This small golden symbol of marriage is something I will always cherish as I strive to do my best to carry on the legacy she left with it.

Family Pictures

Savannah came home so that calls for family pictures! Especially since I have been in the family for almost 1.5 years and we haven't taken any with me in it, not to mention our sweet baby. They turned out so well. It was one of the funnest photo shoots I have ever done. Amy took photos of us "in our element." Meaning she took our pictures inside the house; in the kitchen, the bedroom, the office, the living room, etc. And then we took outside pictures using the living room couch. They turned out so cute! They capture each of us and who we truly are really well. Here they are!

Opportunities Are Endless

I had an amazing opportunity to get more bridal pictures done, a year after my wedding, and with a 2 month old! A photographer posted on Facebook saying that she needed to borrow a bouquet for a photo shoot and since I still have mine, I offered mine up to her. Later, I got a text message from her asking if I would be willing to model for her since I had a winter wedding dress. She informed me that the photo shoot was for a shawl she made for her company and that she needed pictures of it. She is seriously an amazing photographer! So this is just me bragging about her and showing off her work.

First off, her name is Jayme Garcia Christensen. She did my photo shoot for free and gave me all these wonderful photos in return for my service. Here is why she is great and why you should ask her to take your photos:

-->She is constantly praising you and happy with the shots she is getting which makes you feel like a beauty queen!

-->She poses every part of your body which is great for inexperienced "models" like me to feel confident in the way I am posing.

-->She is loyal and true to her word. I have realized it is my pet peeve when someone promises something (you don't have to say the words to make it be a promise) and doesn't keep that promise, so I really admired this in a photographer!

-->She was fast and consistent in what she did. Our shoot took probably 35 minutes max. and she did a phenomenal job.

I'll keep this short and sweet, but I thought a shout out would be nice for her, she totally deserves it! Thanks for the pictures Jayme! You deserve more recognition for what you do.

The New Year = A New Life

One simple photo to capture the new life. That's all. Just one photo. 

December 18th, 2015
This marks the day that Levi is an official graduate from BYU-Idaho! Congrats to my amazing hard-working-goal-making-hunk-of-a husband. He made it to the end, and now we wait a year for him to start it all over again. (: Funny how schooling works like that, isn't it? You finish Elementary just to go to Jr. High and you finish that so you can proceed to High School, then College, etc. An end is never really the end. But it is still a huge accomplishment and an even bigger stepping stone to the ultimate goal -- PA school. How grateful I am to Levi for all the hard work he puts into his passions.

The other wonderful thing this picture captures is the fact that Levi and I are parents. I am now a mom. First a foremost I am a daughter of God, a wife, and now I have added another sacred title of being "Mom."

While I was pregnant the thought of going back to school once the baby came was a quick, easy thought to process. "Of course I will go back! Baby will have a babysitter everyday for just a measly 3 hours for the first semester back and then I will come back home to be with him all day," thought I. Then reality struck when I had baby in my arms trying to do homework the semester I had him. I hated putting him second. Even though I told myself that I was doing this for him, it felt like I was still putting him below schooling.

I had a friend in the same situation as me who pointed out to me a feeling I was also experiencing --we would both get frustrated with our child when he became fussy because it was taking us away from homework rather than get frustrated with the homework for keeping us from our child. We discussed how terrible we felt about that. It should be the other way around! Get mad at homework for not letting us give our babies all the attention they need. It clicked. Right there in that moment, it clicked.

School is important. Education is important. Being able to provide for the family is important. But in that moment God spoke to my heart. He told me that I could still do all these things! That if I truly put my family first (which in my case means not going to school right now) that those things would naturally come (with a bit of effort). I was reminded of my mom who doesn't have a degree behind her name but is probably a qualified nurse, teacher, counselor, and seamstress by now. That came with time, research, and many tears of her own and many tears from her 12 children.

Most women I know and respect and someday aspire to be, don't have a degree. Now that does NOT make getting a degree bad, nor does it qualify me to excuse myself from trying to obtain a degree. I have a passion of my own to fulfill (becoming a Therapeutic Recreation Specialist) someday, and in the meantime I can still apply the things I already know how to do in my growing family! Besides getting a degree right now would only be put on pause the second I got it to raise a rambunctious 1 year old. I don't see the point in killing myself and my family to get a degree, just to have one.

It boils down to the fact that I feel as though God has answered my prayer and helped me make a very hard decision. It makes me sad to turn my back to one of my major passions, but that hole is filled as my whole heart turns to an even greater passion. Staying at home will not be easy. I will have to push myself. I will need to be very self-motivated. I will have to constantly direct my time and attention to a tiny baby who can't talk or walk (at least for now.) I will have to seek out opportunities rather than have them sitting in my lap or right at my fingertips. I will have to figure out how to volunteer and bring my baby with. I will have no car and get to walk to the store with my baby in the freezing weather (yes that has happened -- at least it was barely above freezing, cause in Rexburg that's warm winter weather.) I will have to work really hard to get human contact outside of my husband and baby. But I know it will all be worth it in the end. I refuse to let this decision to put school off for a few years destroy me or become something I regret later on because it is a decision God has clearly given me direction on. He has plans in store for me and my family, and to deny those plans and blessings with regrets is silly, so this is me choosing to love this decision and not look back.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not preaching the idea that this is the right decision for everyone. I believe in a God who gives general and individual instruction, and this so happens to be an individual one. Many women I respect and love are doing (or have done) school and kids combined. I don't think any less of them by any means. This just happens to be right for me and my family. Huge thanks to everyone who helped me make this decision. Now on to a new life. A new family. A new me.