Surprise Visitors During Lockdown

Lockdown life is strange. However, there is something familiar about it. Time has slowed down and we have been able to breathe a bit, but I’ve also found myself feeling like my home is a prison. My home feeling like a prison is a familiar feeling I've had before. A feeling where my mind has trapped me within the walls of my own home. It’s a crumbling, crushing feeling and it doesn’t help that I am claustrophobic. On top of feeling stuck in my 1200 square foot home, no one is allowed to visit. And if they do, we can't embrace, and we usually talk through the door or a window: I'm a prisoner. However, there are some "visitors" that came as a surprise to me during quarantine, they are old friends, if you can even call them that, their names are Depression and Anxiety.

One cannot predict when Depression and Anxiety will come into your home. They don’t even knock to enter, they just help themselves in, eat your food, sleep in your bed, clutter your home, and fill your head with things you’d never wish on anyone else. Depression and Anxiety usually enter our homes as a total surprise and sometimes we can’t even tell that they are here so we think all of the mess and mental clutter is our own fault, but then we have an outsider who looks into the windows of our home and they see that Depression and Anxiety have taken over our homes and possibly our lives. The outsider kindly lets us know what’s going on and slowly, very slowly, we start to push through the fog to see the tiny sliver of light awaiting us on the other end. 

When Depression and Anxiety rudely entered my home after my firstborn, I thought it was a normal side effect to having a newborn and frequently fluctuating hormones. Then I learned that the thoughts and feelings I was having weren’t normal side effects of having a baby, but of having Depression and/or Anxiety trying to make a permanent mark in my life. If you have never had Depression or Anxiety as your friend here is a taste of what it's like.

It’s like your brain is in the fetal position, everything is dark, numb, and difficult. On the exterior you may seem cheery, bright, and carefree but the mind is not that way. Every thought that comes in is tainted, every word spoken to you is reworded by your dark mind and used against you. Unless you've had many experiences with Depression and Anxiety, you usually don't catch on to what is going on in your brain. So someone else has to not only notice it, but inform you that Depression and Anxiety have settled into your home. Then suddenly your brain starts to loosen up from that fetal position. It looks up through its' tears to see if the person is telling the truth or if it's another hopeful lie. When the brain sees the love and kindness in the eyes of the person pleading with you to give Depression and Anxiety the boot, it begins to sit up. The brain straightens its’ back, takes a look around and sees the chaos that they caused. It starts to pick up after Depression and Anxiety and devise a plan on how to kick them out. Oh, but Depression and Anxiety are stubborn and they make believable arguments. 

"You don't have to kick us out yet, you're not ready to be alone, let us stay a little longer." 

"We promise to clean up after ourselves better, please give us another chance." 

But as the brain begins to exercise its’ agency and push back a little, Depression and Anxiety don’t want to hang around anymore. Don’t you see? Depression and Anxiety prefer to go unnoticed so they can cozy into our homes and lives and get deeply rooted so that when we try to get rid of them it’s very, very difficult. However, the brain is smart and thorough. She picks herself up, opens the blinds to let the sunlight in, then slowly starts figuring out how to permanently clean up the mess Depression and Anxiety made.

She starts by calling a trusted professional. This person evaluates her and says she is lucky because she caught those sneaky, unwanted guests early so it will be easier to get them to leave, it will still take hard work and attention, but it can be done. The brain smiles, not just with her lips, with her heart and soul. There really is light at the end of this cold, dark tunnel. She is told to do a few things that Depression and Anxiety hate. They can’t stand to be around people who frequently sing, move their body, laugh, eat healthy food, and go outside. They hate these things so much that they will nag at us all day long to stop doing them; they try to stop us, tell us that it’s not worth our effort, they lie and say that we aren’t worth it, that we don’t look good dancing or sound good singing, they try to tear us down any way they can. The brain knows better, she knows that them pressing back against these tactics means that the plan is working. She is winning! She isn’t perfect at her new goals, but the brain is now standing, smiling, and ready to take on Depression and Anxiety head on. She approaches them, and she is surprised at how confident she is.

"Depression, Anxiety, it's time for you to go," she bravely states.

"Yeah you said that a few days ago," Depression says while slumping on the couch, bored.

"Well this time I mean it, and I have friends to help carry you out if that's the case. I know you're capable of walking out of here on your own so I will give you time to consider your options." She is amazing herself with her confidence, she walks over to the door and opens it gesturing her hand out the door for Depression and Anxiety.

"Come on Depression, let's just get out of here, I'm anxious to find a new host that won't treat us so rudely anyway," Anxiety rolls her eyes as she verbally abuses her victim. 

"Ugh, fine, I guess we could always sneak back in through the back door if we ever need a home here again," Depression reluctantly and lazily gets off the couch.

 

Depression and Anxiety have slowly begun packing up their bags, dreading the day that has come: move out day. Forced to homelessness, they strategize on how they can get back into this home and stay for good. They plead one last time for mercy. They beg her to give up on her goals and to just let them stay one more day. She knows this devious plan all too well, and she unapologetically tells them no. “The time has come, the time is now, [Depression and Anxiety], will you please go now?” -She quotes Dr. Suess as she slams the door behind them.

While she is latching the lock on the door, she catches herself being grateful that Depression and Anxiety came to her house. Now she knows she is strong. As she contemplates this gratitude she understands how having friends like Depression and Anxiety can be considered good - now she can relate to so many other brains out there that have had Depression and Anxiety visit. She looks back on herself as a curled up ball of hopelessness and realizes how she has so many people in her life that love her and are rooting for her, and she knows that she now has that capability to provide the same love, knowledge, and experience for others.

 

The brain releases a giant sigh of relief and feels the weight of her old "friends" leave her shoulders completely. A few days pass and she sees Depression and Anxiety lurking outside her windows. She makes sure they see her doing well and reaching the majority of her goals: cleaning, going on frequent walks, dancing with her children. But seeing them gets her worried so she tries to reevaluate her goals and make them more attainable. As she continues to reach for healthy goals, keeping Depression and Anxiety out of her home becomes easier and easier. She sees them walking by every now and then and she holds onto hope that she really got rid of them for good, however she knows that every day is a battle to keep them from coming back in uninvited. She has to keep her guard up.

As she fights to keep her goals from consuming her with overwhelming stress or negative thinking, she realizes she is not ashamed or mad at Depression and Anxiety for entering her life. Now she has an amazing army standing by her side. She didn't listen to Depression and Anxiety's advice to deny help. Instead she talked to family, friends, and medical professionals and they each gave her the extra strength she needed and could not provide herself. She has gathered her army and together they are unstoppable.

In summary, Depression and Anxiety may come visit your home, rest assured that when they do, they leave clues behind: clutter, a lack of desire, low motivation, thoughts of self-harm, thoughts of harming others, and suicidal thoughts. The sooner we know they are here, the better. And the sooner we can gather our army, the quicker we can win the battle. Together is how we win. This cannot be done alone. Alone is exactly where they want us to be so they can slowly and silently poison us.

A Note to the Reader:

If you have experienced the symptoms I explained in this article as clues that Depression and Anxiety leave behind, please call a medical professional ASAP. Confide in a loved one. Message me. Tell SOMEONE. Gather your army my friend!

If you are experiencing debilitating thoughts of self-harm or suicide please call this hotline 1-800-273-8255 and get the help you need. 

If you are currently the victim of domestic violence or in a hostile environment, please call 911. If your safety is at risk by calling 911, call them as if you are ordering a pizza, help will come.